Megan Lefebvre

Mothering without a Mother

Intimacy with Motherhood, words from Megan Lefebvre

Mothering without a Mother is my documentary photography project exploring my experience mothering without my mother. On March 23, 2023, my mom died while my brother, dad, and I held her hand. I remember thinking that time felt strange. I wanted my mom to hurry up and die because I didn’t want her to be in pain. But I also wanted time to stop, because this was the only time I had left with her; 41 years was not enough time.

Shortly afterward, I asked myself, ‘How do I mother without my mother?’ Subsequently I began photographing my kids, Miles and Margot, differently. I felt free to photograph my kids how I saw, and felt, when I was with them.

A year after my mom’s death, I was in a grief spiral. Instead of being okay with where I was in my grief, I kept moving by doing everything more: More running, photography, and parenting. It took my husband to, gently, pull me out of my spiral. Somehow, I decided to let go of the anger I didn’t know I was holding. Although this is hard to admit, I stopped fighting my role as a mother. It took me eight years to finally let go and allow myself to see and be with my kids.

I’m making these photographs for Miles and Margot to show them how much I love them. Ultimately, however, I’m making these photographs for myself and my mom. I must believe, somehow, she is “up there” with us. These photographs are my way to let her know that we are okay.

Artist BIO